You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
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Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
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