If i could tip my vagina, i would.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
