Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
