Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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