just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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