glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
