I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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