I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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