3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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