I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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