so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
