I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
