So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
