my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
