I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I'm too high and old for this...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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