Pappa wants mamma naked
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
