Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
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