Your tits are I can't wait for
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
