it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
