Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
