I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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