they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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