I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
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im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
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You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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