what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
