What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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