Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Randomize
