It was confusing and full of hummus
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
