You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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