I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
