my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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