Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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