i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
