yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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