you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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