I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
