I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
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