Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
