Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
