Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
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