So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
