Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
