dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
