I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize