I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
