Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
