Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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