Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I should be sponsored by Trojan
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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