final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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