I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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