i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
