Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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