My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
