i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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