I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
