Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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