so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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